Optical Illusion

body.

Why do I hate myself so

and cringe at my very sight

when you my God Almighty

molded me imperfectly, perfectly right

Help me submit my self hatred

lay it down at your feet

and remember I am oh so sacred

even death you did defeat

All my crannies and nooks

I will learn to be thankful and treasure

as the the day your body a beating it took

and I will praise you beyond all measure

My body you formed in perfect design

So please forgive my hatred of it

forever and ever my body will be thine

my love of it grows bit by bit.

Author

Lindsay

Have you ever looked in a mirror and thought, oh I don't look that bad today. Only to that same very day see a picture of yourself and think, wow I look terrible! I really look like this?!? Whether I lost twenty pounds or gained one, I have never been able to look at a picture and say something nice about myself. That very thing happens more than I care to admit.

Let me give you a bit of history on my body image struggles. They’ve been there since I was in grade school , not a lie. My mind is physically exhausted by how much I struggle with my body. The names, snarky comments, and anything said to me in my younger years I remember them all, even the ones I call myself. That isn't even including the ones throughout my young adulthood to now. In school I was an athlete with an athletic healthy build, but still compared myself to my size zero friends. Never was I able to be fully content, even with affirmations from many around me. As I look back at my senior pictures I think, wow I remember how huge I felt that day, and now would love to have that body back. My body was healthy, fit, and taken care of in a sense, yet I created in my mind that it was fat, too short, and not good enough. The vision created of myself was an optical illusion.

When I was 19 I became pregnant with my first son Parker. My body became filled with stretch marks. Like a road map through the United States folks! One day, I specifically remember my mom crying and saying how she never had those, and how sorry she was for me to have them at such a young age. On top of that, I had become very ill in my pregnancy and almost had suffered a stroke. My body had retained a lot of weight and water during my hospital stay. After Parker was born my main focus wasn't on getting my body back, but more on being the best mom for him. Having Parker was life threatening to my body, and to him, but The Lord sustained us and blessed me with a 3 lb 9 oz preemie, and so my focus was solely cherishing his existence. From then on it was a constant up and down weight struggle. There was infidelity in my marriage and a divorce with his father ensued. My worth was at an all time low. Food became my comfort and solace. There was a constant battle with eating right or eating quick, due to working a full time job and being a college student part time. Cooking? How do you do that? Cooking was never a thing I wanted to learn or attempt, and honestly make time for. Which is funny, because many close to me know how much I adore cooking and baking! There were moments I was in my best shape ever, and moments of not caring at all. It was a roller-coaster ride that coincided with the path of my dating life. When someone showed me attention and I was in a committed relationship that’s when comfort hit, and it would start to show in the form of weight gain. When I was outside of a relationship is when I would put the work in to have a great body. My friends and I would call it the "single" diet. Who would want to date a single mom who had a divorce under her belt, and then add overweight, well in my mind no one. So I would go to work. Thats when I started a new relationship that became very destructive, and went back to seeking comfort in food of course. By my mid twenties and during this relationship God blessed me with my second son Seamus. Again the weight piled on. After another failed relationship with his father the struggle with my worth was the lowest it had been. Coming to a realization that Seamus and myself I weren’t good enough to have someone chose us over an addiction was devastating. Well that’s when I said, That’s it! This time I am living for my boys and myself. At this time I owned a beautiful home, graduated college, had a “real” job, and two beautiful boys. We had the best life ever... well in my mind. Then of course whammy! Insert reconnecting with an old friend, and who is my now husband, Jared. We became the best-est yes I said best-est of friends, and did everything together. My weight was high at this point. Seamus was still a nursing baby and was again at a place I just didn’t care. Then one day I cared. My biggest weight loss journey started. My body was in the best shape it had been since high school. I actually had got back into the size I wore in high school. It felt amazing! I was on cloud 9! During this time my mind was resting, so I thought. The constant thoughts of my body struggles and insecurities had been subsided. My life was right where I wanted, and now I added a new best friend. Jared seen me, my personality, not my weight. At one point we started to look at each other with a different lens. Many may already know this, but we had a whirlwind romance. We dated, were engaged, and married within 6 months. When you know, you just know. He loved me, truly loved me. He loved the boys unconditionally and selflessly. His reputation prior was known to be very particular with girls, which I knew, so the fact he found me beautiful was a huge confidence boost. Before getting married I was on the phone with someone close to us. This moment has been a moment in my life that God continually sanctifies me in. They had witnessed my weight loss and had known Jared's previous expectations in a woman. They had said to me, what are you going to do if you gain weight back, Jared doesn’t like fat woman, and he won’t like it if you gain it back. I caught my breath, and honestly do not fully remember my response. My heart sank. Peace crashed. Fear loomed. Insecurity sky rocketed. We should never get married I thought , I’ll never be good enough for him, I fail, I gain weight, and he deserves a better woman, I’m worthless, and the list continued to pile up. This moment in time is branded on my brain. Never could that person, or myself realize how much The Lord would use this moment to continue to sanctify me to this day.

Jared from the moment we were a couple has always reminded me of my beauty, the flaws I still see are his favorite things about me. To this day he battles with my flesh to counter those memories and thoughts that still creep in my mind. Lets face it, we've had 3 more kids and I am no spring chicken anymore. Jared hasn't seen the body he married in quite some time, but he never once asked me to be that again. He always has seen the woman IN me he married. He is my biggest support, and always strives to help dig out the root of worth (less) I have had for so many years. You see the whole beginning of this blog was showing you how I handled my weight and life. How I had control or tried taking control of situations. Instead of giving the reigns to my Savior . My first relationship needed to be with Him first and foremost, it wasn’t. That is why there has been two huge failed relationships. Neither were under the submission of Christ. My walk was alone and I was in control, so I had thought. The thing is, my mind was never at rest all those times I thought it was. Christ needs to run my life not Lindsay. Food was there for me whenever I was happy, glad, or sad, when it should've been Christ. There was never any discrimination when it came to food. What clicked to me, is I had made food an idol and cherished it more than my King. That right there is sin. Sin is hard. That's why I continually failed, I was living in continual sin. Until I stopped looking at myself as an optical illusion, and through Christs lens have I ever found peace in who I am. Do I fail? Heck YES! I'm an insecure woman who forgets to get her strength and truth from God. Sin struggles are real. Do I need help? Yes! That’s what accountability and true friends centered around Christ and His love are for. Not only my sisters in Christ, but Jared is a vision of Christ to me, not to only comfort and guide me, but he continually leads me back to Christ. The one man I thought, and was told would leave, has done nothing but encourage, guide, and love unconditionally. Jared doesn't ever look at me the way I see myself, he sees a creation only the Lord could create, and he looks in awe. No, really, sometimes I tell him to stop because it can get creepy. Oh and lets not forget my road map belly. The map I dreaded. Well, my body is beyond blessed to carry such marks. Many don't even have the opportunity to look at a map, and we've been blessed with five highways running across my body. God intrinsically and perfectly placed all my details right where they need to be. This sin will always be a struggle unless I continually remind myself of how God sees me.

We need to be encouraging and building up each other, but mostly to ourselves. God gave me two girls as well, and I intentionally praise the way God created them. All their nook and crannies. This is huge for our boys as well. They can't see us looking in a mirror making comments like ugh I'm fat, ewe look at that cellulite, or bashing the body the Lord gave us. For us only to turn around and expect them to believe what I tell them about their body. We need to live by example and as Christ followers we need to live in obedience to Gods word. My image in my head of myself is terrible, it takes daily obedience for me to truly believe God sees me as beautifully and wonderfully made. It takes the mind of Christ. He HAS to be in control of all my mind.

Please don't take this blog post as me needing sympathy or feeling bad I've dealt with some unkind people. Take this post as a broken, sinful woman who needs Jesus to remind her daily who she is. God placed all those people in my path so I could grow closer to Him. For that I am thankful. For them I am thankful. Something I always tell my kiddos is hurt people, hurt people, so show them Jesus more! As followers of Christ, and really all people, we need to really try to realize we are not to judge someone. We don't know a sin struggle or why they may look a certain way, but we need to love unconditionally. Lets get real, whether overweight, skinny, short, tall, dark or light I have personally talked to many and all have some form of body image struggles. Readers let’s stop living in these lies! Let's tame our tongues, thoughts, and support each other with scripture and Gods truths. We ALL were created in His image, let’s cherish each other, and see the awe in His handiwork.

The whole beginning of this blog is just a sliver of our testimony BEFORE we completely started walking in step with The Lord. We will talk about that another post. My point is, that without God guiding my thoughts, steps, and life there will never be full peace or contentment in myself no matter how much Jared speaks truth to me. This was a very hard and challenging post to write and put out. Raw and humbling. Frightening. There were tears shed. These days I continually strive to seek Christ for all my needs. I'm learning to have a relationship with food that aligns with God. Not idolize it, but nourish with it. I'm learning how to take the words my husband speaks and not accuse him of lying, but trust that he truly sees me the way he states. Please know that sin is real and can be within us without us even recognizing it. It's not always a huge out there blatant sin, but it can be a slow steady root growing and growing within us. We can be idolizing anything from our kids, our husbands, friends, tv, money, our worth or lack of, but ultimately is anything we place above God. Any provision for the flesh is a sin, it takes us out of a communion with the spirit. My unhealthy living and food addictions are as real as any other addiction. We need to continually be looking inward for those seeds of sin that soon can take root and before you know it we have a whole tree to take down. God loves us, He knows we are fallen, but sees and loves us the same. If we are to love like Him then we need to love ourselves as much as He calls us to love others.

You were created in God's image

God makes no mistakes

To put yourself down for the way you are

is to insult God's handiwork

You are Beautiful

Author Unknown

Here are some scriptures that have helped me and may be an encouragement to you.

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them" Genesis 1:27

"For you formed my inwards parts; you knitted me together in my mothers womb."

Psalm 139:13

"But know, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand." Isaiah 64:8

"Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body." 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison."

James 3:8

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! Psalm 139:23

Prayer for today:

Father God, Please continue to search my heart of any sin I may not see. Lord I ask that you continue to strengthen and help me through my walk with you. Lord I ask if there is anyone out there that needs encouragement that you help surround them with the people best fit. Lord I praise you for your creation of me and repent for all the hurtful things I have said or will say about myself. Lord challenge our hearts to be love to all those around us and strive to have a tamed tongue. Helps us live out your word, and be a light to those around us. Father God please help us look inward for those idols we put before you. Give us strength to break away any roots we may have formed. Give us strength Lord in a world that is so image centered. God I ask personally that you continue to fill my mind with your truths! Father I love you so much and can never have enough praise come off my lips. In your Holy and precious name

Amen

By His grace,

Lindsay Storm